Christmas Ape Interview

At one point in my life I thought Christmas Ape a.k.a. Michael Tunison was cool. He blogged for Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber, both sites I enjoy. His story about getting fired from the Washington Post for his KSK work was fairly entertaining. I also tend to enjoy all things Christmas.

Then my editor from Gelf Magazine asked me if I wanted to read Tunison's new book and interview him for the site.

I jumped at the opportunity and was eager to read the book and talk the man behind the ape (no bestiality).

On the subway nobody can appreciate my downloading skills as I bump an album two weeks before it comes out. Plus this is no big deal as every other car in Brooklyn is already blasting The Blueprint 3, which comes out Sept. 11. But I felt pretty cool reading my advance copy of The Football Fan's Manifesto, a full month before it was released.

However, by about page 30 I realized it was easily the worst book I had read in my life.

I began folding the book over on itself to prevent fellow staphangers from seeing the scum I was reading on my daily commute.

I struggled through the whole book, which only got worse page after page. After I finished I was upset with myself for having wasted so much time. But then I realized that I probably would have wasted my on Deadspin or KSK, so my time is essentially worthless.

I suppose the silver lining to the book is that it granted me the epiphany to use my time better, unfortunately I don't think I have practiced that concept much in the two weeks that have passed since I finished the book.

I was also in full major "Fuck Christmas Ape" mode after I finished the book. I had no desire to talk to the guy. So I waited seven days, cooled down, then shot him some questions via e-mail.

To my dismay his responses were enjoyable and rather comical. To my further dismay my introduction and questions are littered with profanity I told myself I would not use after reading his book which was 312 pages of mindless, profane banter that most seventh-graders would find immature.

All that being said, come to Gelf Magazine's Varsity Letters Speaker Series tonight in DUMBO Brooklyn. It's free, there's beer, you can listen to some interesting people talk. Maybe Christmas Ape will fall on his face.

Finally, here is my interview with Christmas Ape.

Atop the cover of Michael Tunison's The Football Fan's Manifesto is a blurb from Will Leitch reading, "If you think football is the only thing that matters on earth, this is your book."

Leitch might be understating it. "If you live and die for football and don't give a fuck about anything else in life" would give potential readers a better idea of the type of book they are getting into.

Michael Tunison, aka Christmas Ape of Kissing Suzy Kolber, has penned a manifesto providing readers with a metric system for the football IQ of your girlfriend, an in-depth analysis of which drugs can enhance game day, and countless points of etiquette for playing fantasy football and Madden NFL. Tunison also breaks down every other aspect of life that can be remotely linked to gridiron fandom.

If you enjoy the high-minded vulgarity of KSK and would trade your soul for a Lombardi trophy, you'll love The Football Fan's Manifesto. If you don't own at least 10 pieces of your team's paraphernalia and you aren't comfortable telling greedy team owners to "choke on our dicks," then you probably should find another book, and stay far away from the KSK comment section while you're at it.

In the following email interview, edited for clarity, Gelf Magazine's resident Arizona Cardinals fan attempts to psychoanalyze everyone's favorite holiday-themed, sports-blogging primate via, and to once again tell him to "fuck off" for being a Steelers fan.

Read the rest of the article at Gelf Magazine