In Gary Payton bowling alley

Today's post is a quick detour from WPM's scheduled programing. Since wherespmac.com was once all about NBA All-Star weekend, I thought it would be fitting to throw some sort of all-star coverage in, especially since the festivities are in my temporary hometown.

I didn't have the money or connections to go to any legitimate all-star games, so my friend Gould and I decided to go to the NBA Jam Session which was available to the public.

The following is a run down of the evening.

5:00 Hit Subway for cheap, allegedly healthy sustenance. The guy behind the counter appears to hate his life more than Delonte West. He is a complete jerk to everyone in the restaurant, myself included. Then Gould points out that perhaps the sandwich artist is probably jealous that he is not wearing a Darius Miles Cavaliers jersey like myself.

6:00 After our first use of Phoenix's new light rail system Gould and I make it down town and get the wrong line for the Jam Session event. We do see this guy though, so our five minutes were not completely wasted.

6:15 Enter Jam Session and within five minutes we realize it's even gayer than we had suspected. We walk up to the autograph section, even though Gould and I have no desire to obtain any NBA autographs. We come up with a list of actual NBA players we would want autographs from.

1. Stephon Marbury

2. Darius Miles

3. J.R. Smith

4. Chris "Birdman" Andersen

5. Bobby Phills

6. Malik Sealy

7. Bison Dele

6:20 We make it up the 300 escalators to find Suns "players" Jared Dudley and Louis Amundson (I never knew this guy's name I just called him Number 17 all season) signing autographs. There is actually a line of people waiting for their autographs, which I knew nobody would believe so I took a picture.


6:30 We walk downstairs and find 100 booths each with six different sponsors each offering some garbage paraphernalia if you participate in their lame event. Let's see, I could get a T-Mobile shirt if I wait in a long line to shoot a free throw. Or I could get an EA Sports headband if I wait in a long line to play a video game. Neither seemed that appealing.

Each booth also had their own DJ blasting Urban top 40 music while screaming generic hip-hop phrases over the music. "IS THE EAST COAST IN THE HOUSE?!" "OH YEAH I SEE YOU BOY!" "MAKE SOME NOISE!"

6:45 Gould and I find the saving moment of the night. The NBA TV booth, where Gary Payton is scheduled to sign autographs at 7:00. Thank you God. Gary Payton, Chris Webber and Ahmad Rashad all lead the greatest sports show on television. The features little to no actual NBA analysis and instead features GP and C-Webb busting on various NBA players for 15 minutes at a time. English is only spoken for 45 seconds during the 30-minute broadcast and even professional linguists have no idea what language GP and C-Webb speak.

6:50 We get in line after getting in trouble for using the NBA TV demo computers to look at wherespmac.com. Apparently our computer was linked to a huge plasma that showed exactly what we were looking at. Some prick comes over, takes the computer from us and sarcastically says, "Thanks a lot guys." I thank him back because I try to always be kind to my fans.

6:55 We are five minutes away from meeting GP. Just an incredible moment in both our lives.

7:05 We meet GP. He begins signing an NBA TV postcard. We cut him off and tell him we don't need his autograph (he was not on our list). He is happy not to sign another bullshit piece of paper.

"You and C-Webb are always killin' it," Gould says as he shakes his hand.

We ask for a picture (greatness shown above).

"Do you and E-40 still hang out," I ask. E-40 is one of my favorite rappers ever and Gary Payton is name-dropped and shown in the video for one of the greatest songs ever.

"As a matter of fact me and 40 hung out last night," GP casually responds, in what is now the best line in the history of communication.

"Where's Ahmad at?" I ask. If you don't know Ahmad Rashad is an NBA "analyst" who has continually been on television since the mid-90s; despite the fact he contributes nothing to any broadcast other than anecdotes of him hanging out with Michael Jordan.

GP tells me Ahmad is busy now, but will be here in a little bit.

"Oh I thought he was in the back sucking off Michael Jordan," I quipped.

GP looks at me funny for a second and then busts up laughing. And as everyone knows every time Gary Payton laughs 20 angels get their wings.

7:15 We head back upstairs to watch the D-League Dream Factory, where James White was scheduled to be in the D-League dunk contest. Unfortunately the preliminary activities were so pathetic and unbearable that Gould and I had to leave.

8:00 On the way home Gould and I hit Subway for round two of cheap, allegedly healthy sustenance. In the car ride back to his place Gould makes some evasive street maneuvers forcing me to spill my Dr. Pepper all over me and my precious D. Miles jersey, fortunately my seat beat caught the majority of the soda. And that my friends is why you wear seat belts.