Chapter 8

I met a lot of good people in Mendoza. I wasn't sure how I could work them all into these silly anecdotes, so I did the only logical thing I could think of; I made power rankings of the people I met.

Mendoza Crew Power Rankings:

11. Sebastian – Disgusting. Gross. When a bunch of backpackers say you stink you have a problem. Alcholic. Nobody really liked this guy. Pictured on the left in above photo. I'm still not sure how my camera took a photo during the millisecond when he didn't have a cigarette.

10. Hostel manager Dino – Flaming homosexual, wore all denim or denim capris with an Afrika Bambaataa/Zulu tribe shirt. One night he got drunk, went up to a male guest and asked if he wanted to touch his junk.

9. Odd couple from Belgium – The token old couple staying in the hostel. These two never said a word, but often played table tennis against each other at 11 pm. The guy also rocked denim shorts and Timberland boots, which had not been done since Redman in the late 90s, so for that I respected them.

8. Josh and Shawn from Wyoming – Just some good dudes who live and die for fly fishing. They came to Argentina just to fly fish for 2 months.

7. The hostel nightshift boludo – Boludo is Castellano for dumbass/friend/motherfucker depending on the context. Many Argentines say boludo every other word, just like anyone who hangs out with me will notice I say motherfucker every other word. I never manned up and applied for a hostel job, but I imagine the first question on the application is: "If a guest needs drugs at 3 in the morning, will you be able to hook the guest up?" This guy definitely hooked the entire hostel up. Also, he killed the internet in the lobby at night so he could make out with trashy whores on the lobby sofa on the nights when he wasn't sprawled out on the same couch in a stoned stupor.

6. The old dude traveling from Auckland – Old, couldn't relate to that many people. Could roll joints with the best of them. Then could relate to everyone.

5. Matt the Canadian – A human IMDB. Thought the biggest problem with today's youth is that all the Legos have sponsorships which limits kid's imaginations. In the middle of a diatribe against Indiana Jones Lego sets, he said my favorite line of the trip, "I remember when I was growing up my little brother could make five different car sounds. I know kids today who can't even make one car sound."

4. The incredible Irish couple – Greg (pictured above) and Nadia simplified everything in life to a beautiful level. They both illegally live in New York City and both work at Irish pubs. I told them about my goal of moving to NYC, and they were the first people to tell me how easy it is to live in NYC. After talking to them for 30 minutes, they never once said the word "recession", nor did they complain about the high cost of living. I loved hanging out with them because they never over thought anything in life, an issue I struggle with. They reminded me of one of my favorite quotes in life, which came from the rapper DMX on an episode of Rap City in the late 90s.

"That's what happens when n*ggas start thinking," X said between twitching and wiping his nose. "That's why n*ggas shouldn't think." At first I loved the line for the sheer ignorance as DMX appeared to be encouraging African-Americans to never think. As I grew older I learned to appreciate DMX's line for the subtle brilliance as he was warning society of the pitfalls of over-thinking small issues in life. Due to my Irish friends and DMX I still plan on moving to NYC, as long as I don't over think it.

3.Two gay young Argentines – I don't care about people's sexual orientation. If you can cook empanadas like these guys, I care even less about your sexual orientation.

2. Cara – Just a dope ass chick. Would ask me a million weird questions, but somehow they were all enjoyable. I now know her favorite word, what she'd bring on a desert island, who she'd fuck, marry, throw off a cliff, and the three people she wants to meet in heaven.

1. Grass – One of the craziest, most abrasive, yet genuinely nice guys I have ever met in my life. Hardcore 33-year-old Aussie who mocked me for being a Yank every chance he could.

I can't do impersonations to save my life, but I can say "You fuckin' seppo!" in a perfect Aussie accent because that's all I ever heard. If you don't know, Aussies call Americans seppos because septic tank rhymes with Yank and they're both full of shit. The only way I can describe some of the greatness I witnessed would be to begin a new power ranking within this power ranking. So here are Grass' top moments:

5. Grass transformed his bunk bed into a fort. Then had sex in the fort despite the fact that his bed was no more than six inches from my bed.

4. Three new girls entered our hostel, one who was disabled and walked with crutches. Grass yelled to the other two, "You girls better hurry, she's almost caught up!"

3. Eating dinner outside the hostel, a poor child came up to our table to beg for food. Grass grabbed a slice of pizza and tossed it at her like a dog.

2. Grass explained how Aboriginals are the only second class citizens in Australia, but how they put themselves in their own situation. "If an Aboriginal ever asks me for money, I tackle him, put him in a choke hold and tell him to get a job and stop drinking," Grass said with dead serious conviction.

1. A new female guest entered our room after Grass and I had shared the room for a week. Grass peeked his head out of his self-assembled fort and warned her not to touch the shirt on the ground unless she wanted to get pregnant.