justin adler, blog, buenos aires, bahia blanca, university of arizona, brooklyn, basketball, travel, paul mcpherson

Friday, March 29, 2013

A Modest Proposal (With A Knife-Edge Pass)



I don't know much about franchising, the Air Force's budget, or Catalonia's ongoing independence efforts. But here's a sales pitch I wrote from the Blue Angels to the Catalan government. I think it's a win-win for all parties involved. 

Dear Arthur Mas or any high-ranking Catalan official who loves air shows:
 
I've noticed your autonomous region is on the brink of becoming an independent European state and I wanted to let you know how thrilled the US Navy is for your nearly successful secession. As an early gift, I’d like to present you with an attractive offer of your very own Blue Angels franchise – the aerobatic flight demonstration squadron that is essential to any military. More importantly, the Angels are capable of performing the Knife-Edge Pass: a stunt where two fighter jets fly directly toward one another on an apparent collision course of fiery death, until one flips upside down(!) at the last possible second to avoid the crash and leave onlookers in utter awe!!
 
Yes, I know it sounds – and is – absolutely incredible, but you’re probably thinking you have more pressing issues facing your soon-to-be-independent region. There are the headaches associated with fiscal sovereignty and a 22% unemployment rate, plus that whole applying-to-join-the-EU thing. However, coming from a freshly-minted-independent country (speaking in the overall history of western civilization context) myself, trust me when I say that those first two minor issues will take care of themselves.
 
As for gaining admission to the EU… Who wouldn't want a country that just scored itself six slickly-painted F/A-18 Hornets capable of doing a Double Farvel at 400 mph?! (That’s 643.738 kmh!!!)
 
Now that we've taken care of the boring stuff, let’s get to the fun part. If you make a tiny deposit today, we’ll throw in a 40-show supply of sky-writing smoke canisters inCatalan and FC Barcelona colors. Plus we’ll give you our highly-confidential, brand new technology for skywriting accent marks and that squiggly line on your “ç.”
 
Yet I know times are tough and I know that some sweet independència (just imagine that written in the sky, and really try to visualize that “è”) isn't going to erase your country’s debt of €43.95 billion and I know the Angels franchise annual operating cost of €145 million (special reduced-for-Catalonia price!) can seem a bit intimidating. But let me remind you that these jets can do that mind-blowing trick where they really look like they’re going to crash, but they don’t collide because one flips upside down at the last second and leaves an awesome colored-smoke trail. You can’t really put a price on that or the inspiration it will provide countless Catalans.

Remember this is a limited-time offer, so act now before this deal makes like a slot pilot in a Delta Break-Out and invert rolls away! (That’s Angel talk, don’t worry you’ll catch on quick.)
 
Sincerely,
Captain Jim McKisson
Sales Representative to Potentially Independent Regions
 
P.S. If you think this whole Catalan-independence thing is over-hyped and not really going to happen, could you by chance give me the number of a high-ranking Scottish official who loves air shows.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Patting My Back



I'm still riding the high of scoring the winning point in a last night's pick-up game.

Sure, it was a sloppy in-traffic lay-up that barely rattled in. 

Sure, it was the end to a game that featured two tiny 15-year-old kids. Kids who had far superior dribbling and shooting skills than myself. Too-cool-for-school kids that shrugged me off post-game, after I tried to give them some praise and compliment their game. 

But dammit, I hit the winning shot while wearing a pair of Gil Zeros. And in that same rubbish game to 11, I swished a 12 foot fade-away along the baseline. The shot where in my head I can see myself floating majestically away from the hoop, as my picture-perfect form is just as stunningly beautiful as Kobe's. The shot that in reality is me awkwardly spinning while clearing the ground by all of three inches. 

Somewhere in heaven China, Gilbert is smiling.