Ordinary people

This is a story I have been meaning to run for a while and it has a lot of footnotes.

While I was moving my suitcases from my previous stripper/coke apartment to my current stoner/disgusting (that is in the past now) apartment I noticed a treadmill on the street that had a sign reading "Take me, I work."

Jackpot. I have no idea what a real winter is like, but I have been told you cannot go outside, so a treadmill seemed like a nice device to have. I tried to move it 300 feet to my previous apartment by myself, but I could not because the wheels were broke and it was too heavy.

Because I am delusional and I thought someone would take my precious find within 60 seconds, I ran back into my apartment to try to get my neighbor Kenny¹ to help me out. I burst into their apartment² and Kenny was nowhere to be found. His roommate Kayvene³ sat in one of the rooms with Rhonda⁴.

"Kenny's not here?!" I asked.

"No," Kayvene replied.

"Fuck."

"What do you need?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about it, enjoy yourself," I said sacrificing my treadmill so Kayvene could finish his date or whatever the fuck was going on.

Then Rhonda asked if I remembered Lauren⁵ from the other night and told me Lauren wanted my number. She asked me a million questions that I did not have time for. I was very short with her and I told her to have the girl call me if she wants.

I then ran downstairs because my roommates would be of no help⁶ and returned to the sight of my treadmill, which was still there because it was unmovable and because only three minutes had elapsed.

I was determined so I dragged the beast along the sidewalk, carving small half-circles into the cement with every two feet of progress. After I struggled for a bit, Moses⁷ came out of nowhere and helped me carry the treadmill inside my building.

The next day, my current roommate Grant⁸ came by to help me lug the treadmill to our current place. We decided it would be smart to make sure it worked first before we carried it five blocks. Fortunately Gretchen⁹ was outside with an extension cord hanging to the ground from her third floor window.

We plugged it in and it worked. I can now say that it feels really cool to run on a treadmill outside on a busy street.

After a long back-breaking walk, we made it back to our place with the treadmill.

Three weeks later: Lauren never called me and nobody has used the treadmill.

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1. Kenny, 21, moved to NYC with much less than I did. He had never been here before he moved here two months ago. He now walks dogs to pay his rent.

2. Their apartment was big, but except they had next to no furniture. In one common room they had a corner table which held a laptop. The other common area they had three mismatched chairs and a small table. One bedroom had a bed and the other had a sleeping bag and a Guatemalan flag. Nobody in their apartment was Guatemalan.

3. I have no idea how to spell this guy's name. He is a 29-year-old Irish architect whose name is pronounced KAY-veen. He's a very nice guy.

4. I met Rhonda at a party at their place. I referenced her in an earlier blog as a female I was going after until I learned she had a 10-year-old son. She took me to a crazy art jamfest/rave once. It was very bizarre.

5. I met Lauren at the crazy art jamfest/rave. She appeared to be on an incredible amount of drugs. When I first met her, she laughed uncontrollably and asked if I was from Pennsylvania.

6. My old roommates were rarely awake between the hours of 11 am and 9 pm.

7. Moses is a Latino dude with a weird mullet, who always wears a bright orange Nascar t-shirt. He claimed to be the super of a nearby building, but I think he might be homeless. A very, very nice guy though.

8. Grant is a good dude.

9. Gretchen was my neighbor who was always sitting outside, drinking a beer and working on her screenplay. She attended the University of Oregon. She had hairy legs and lived with her partner, who I never met.