Friday, July 18, 2008
Truthfully I haven’t done anything that incredibly amazing in Buenos Aires, but this might make my friends back home a little jealous; you can play Winning Eleven on the street.
Not only would this give everybody I hang out with a reason to go outside, but I believe it’s the first part of some bizarre Seth Janiga fantasy where he beats Spicker on a crowded public street in front of a gaggle of cute girls who are so impressed with Seth’s prowess they declare they want to fuck the shit out of him because they have never seen the Tottenham Hotspurs used so efficiently and effortlessly.
Then just as Seth is about to run off with said broads, Spicker argues the win was in PKs, brings up aggregate scoring and then steals Seth’s glory and WL-related orgy.
--Another tradition I'd like to see jump the pond - and by jump the pond I mean whatever body of water is between the top of Brazil and the bottom of the states - is the tarring and feathering of university graduates.
I sat with my American companeros and watched as an entire family poured a bag of flour over their now-graduated daughter’s head, then they poured confetti on her, before cracking a couple of eggs on her head. Then they all stood there for another 10 minutes and threw more shit at her. I have a picture of this somewhere that I’ll run later on.
--When I get to any city I like to find out which direction north is because I find this to be a pretty fundamental way of getting around town. Unfortunately most people in Buenos Aires don’t believe in this philosophy.
A waitress at a restaurant, who happened to be from Texas and speak English, told us she’d been working down here for since March. We asked her a million basic questions about the city and I asked which direction north is. She said she had no idea. I was fucking blown away as she’d been here for a couple of months and still had no clue where north was.
Then I asked an employee at my hostel and she also said did not know. She asked a man sitting at the bar in the hostel and he gave the famous Bugs Bunny “he went that-a-way” hand gesture implying north was in multiple directions. Maybe being so close to the South Pole has made the concept of north completely unfathomable. It’s now one of my goals while I’m here to find north and have a statue erected in my honor for the legendary explorer who found north.
--Speaking of statues, there’s a huge statue in the middle of the city that is covered in graffiti, and one of the taggers left his g-mail address below his work.
--I think this might be common in every other country other than America, but as we all sat and enjoyed some nice Italian food somebody came to the table and dropped off gifts. This would have been enjoyable if I was craving some gel pens and a mini flash light with my pizza, but I was not so we left the bum’s gifts for him to come back and pick up.
This ritual also repeated itself on the subway as a woman walked around and put a package of hair ties and barrettes on everybody’s lap, including myself and other men with little to no hair. I hope that some time during my five-month stay here somebody provides me with something I desperately need, such as an Oreo milkshake from Jack in the Box.
--I meant to write this early but I had my first interaction with the show House on my flight to Buenos Aires. I’d never seen the show before, but I’d heard good things so I gave it a chance knowing I had nothing else to do with a 10-hour flight.
In the first episode I watched Dr. House made this woman admit to her 12-year-old daughter that she is a huge slut who loves being fucked on her stomach, and then House made his staff give her medicine which made her eyes bleed. Then they drilled into her bones and smoke came out of her motherfucking bones. Then as she was about to die on Christmas day, House gave the woman some magical medicine that revealed that she had breast tissue below her knee cap, which was actually cancerous. Then House inserted a syringe into the said boob in knee, extracted a fluid, instructed the daughter to open her mouth, and then squirted the knee-titty-cancer fluid into the daughter’s mouth.
House then told the woman she’d need chemo and she was going to live before exiting the hospital as Christmas carols transitioned to the ending credits.
I know can say I love House.
--As I type this “Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Frank Sinatra is playing. It’s July 18th for the record.
--At this point if you are not reading Will Leitch’s “God Save the Fan,” you are no longer my friend.
Things I miss about America:
---Honda Accords: You don’t realize how much enjoy them until you can’t see them on the road every two minutes.