Hydro Choco Blitz

A few weeks ago I started receiving unsolicited emails from the coach of the Lutz Chiefs Midgets, a politically-incorrect-named youth football team based outside of Tampa Bay.

At first I thought that Pop Warner coaches were the new Nigerian princes of the email scamming world, but then I learned that my email address just got mixed in with a bunch of Chiefs Midget parents.

I deleted the first five or so emails, but for some reason I decided to open and read one recently. It read:

Reminder that we have practice this Saturday at 9:30-11:30am.  It will be hot.  So please make sure that your son hydrates on Thursday and Friday.

If you have any questions, you can reach me at the number below. Thanks,

Zack Kilburn
Midgets Head Coach

To which I replied:

Coach Kilburn, 

I have my son on a strict diet at the moment where he is not to consume any water (he's only allowed to hydrate with chocolate milk). He's almost at his breaking point, but we're already seeing incredible results, so I ask that you please don't let him drink any water while at practice. I'll make sure he brings his special thermos on Saturday. 

Thanks for your understanding,
Justin

In my mind this was pure genius and I spent the next 10 minutes re-reading my response and patting myself on my back.

Six hours passed and Coach K never wrote me back. I really wanted this conversation to continue and I also wanted confirmation that my pretend son would be denied water.

So, naturally, I reply-all'd the entire list-serv the exact same message (except this time I added a "Go Chiefs!!" to give me a little more credibility).

I did not get one response.

Why won't these other parents play my stupid game and write me back? Did all 25 realize I wasn't a legit Chief Midget parent? Are they too busy raising their non-pretend kids? Are they too mature for me?

I'll never know, but now I hate them all.